{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
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The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator