{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!

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Sketch artist: Any more details on the attacker?
Me: No, that’s all I saw
*shows me it’s just a picture of a fist*
Me: *sobbing* That’s him


Date: Do you go camping?

Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?


I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.

Business is booming.


I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.


Do you, Charles Manson, take this woman who is clearly more insane than you to be your lawful wedded wife?


Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth


Her: Umm…Where are you going?

Me: Walking the dog.

Her: When you get back, we need to talk.

* walks dog…returns 3 days later


My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.


“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
– We’re not having sex.
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”