This is savage.
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
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When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Lady Astronaut: *eats all the chocolate*
Guy Astronaut: You know we’re on the space shuttle for-
LA: SHUTTLE YOUR MOUTH AND GIVE ME SPACE
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
If I could be any X-Men I think I’d pick Professor X. Don’t really care about the mind-reading stuff I just hate walking.
I see dead people.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
BARACK OBAMA WAS BORN IN 1961. 1+9+6+1= 17. YOU KNOW WHO USED TO BE 17 YEARS OLD? HITLER.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
If you haven’t nervously googled “signs that your child is a psychopath” are you even a parent?