@trojansauce

GOLDFISH: i swear i’ll have your money by tomorrow

GOLDFISH MOBSTER: what money?

GOLDFISH: who are you?

GOLDFISH MOBSTER: where’s my mon

You Might Also Like

@AnniemuMary

Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.

@sarahjoyshockey

Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”

@junejuly12

Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.

@murrman5

[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS

@illuminatedwndr

hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious

@LuvPug

If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.

@UnFitz

Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?

Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”

@theNuzzy

I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.