Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
GOLDFISH: i swear i’ll have your money by tomorrow
GOLDFISH MOBSTER: what money?
GOLDFISH: who are you?
GOLDFISH MOBSTER: where’s my mon
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Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.