Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
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[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
No laws when master is gone
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
drew a comic about my origin story
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school