goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

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[sound of can opening]

wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?

me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday

wife: but we’re still at church


serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?


Relationship status: I hide snacks from myself and get mad when I can’t find them.


[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*


The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.


All my friends look like a Victoria’s Secret model and I look like a Victoria sponge cake


My goal weight is for my waiter to ask me if I want a salad with my meal without bursting into laughter.


Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.

Me: what should I say instead of bull-

Wife: shhh say snake instead.

Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.


If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.