[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
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serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Relationship status: I hide snacks from myself and get mad when I can’t find them.
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
All my friends look like a Victoria’s Secret model and I look like a Victoria sponge cake
My goal weight is for my waiter to ask me if I want a salad with my meal without bursting into laughter.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.