
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
I’m teaching my 2 year old about currency so I can figure out what coin she just swallowed.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Her:How long before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?”
Dr.:No one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.
winery employee: can u tell what this one has hints of
me:
winery employee:
me: hm [swirls glass, sniffs] grapes
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.