@Alextheproducer
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
@IvoryGazelle
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
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@Alextheproducer
@Brianhopecomedy
I’m teaching my 2 year old about currency so I can figure out what coin she just swallowed.
@Jason_Horton
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
@W0nderW0manW0w
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
@notsoevilrick
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
@astutenewf
Her:How long before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?”
Dr.:No one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.
@leakypod
winery employee: can u tell what this one has hints of
me:
winery employee:
me: hm [swirls glass, sniffs] grapes
@david8hughes
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
@tchrquotes
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.