goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
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Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
uh oh
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?