@IvoryGazelle

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

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@Brianhopecomedy

I’m teaching my 2 year old about currency so I can figure out what coin she just swallowed.

@Jason_Horton

Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.

@notsoevilrick

Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”

@astutenewf

Her:How long before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?”

Dr.:No one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.

@leakypod

winery employee: can u tell what this one has hints of

me:

winery employee:

me: hm [swirls glass, sniffs] grapes

@tchrquotes

I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.