goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

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WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd

ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them


mom: how was the ballgame

me: they showed sex on tv

mom: what?

dad: he means the kiss cam

me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that


HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives

ME: Glad to be here, Mort


I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.


My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.


Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.

I yelled what does BMX stand for?

He replied “DUI”.


I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich


INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?

ME: ope i thought it said preference