WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
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mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference