@shrimple_

Goldilocks gets out of prison and becomes a tech billionaire by creating an app called bearbnb

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@UncleDuke1969

*cocks gun*

Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”

@JessicaVarsity

Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.

@KatyBSweet1

My husband waited until this morning to tell me our hotel room tonight is adjoining his parents.

He knew all week.

I can’t wait to see the look on their faces Sunday morning- cause I’m still gonna be loud.

@iwearaonesie

[texting]
me: I just left and I already miss you
wife *typing response*
me: (can you read that to the dog for me)

@momsense_ensues

Me: Can you hear me?

4: No.

Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.

4: But I can’t hear you.

Me: You can, you’re answering me.

4: (crying) No, I can’t!

Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.

@Contwixt

I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.

@AbbyHasIssues

Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.

Me: No.

@GlennPriceMann

Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.

@jazz_inmypants

GENIE: i want infinity more bananas

BANANA SALESMAN:

GENIE: do u see how annoying that is