Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Goldilocks gets out of prison and becomes a tech billionaire by creating an app called bearbnb
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Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
My husband waited until this morning to tell me our hotel room tonight is adjoining his parents.
He knew all week.
I can’t wait to see the look on their faces Sunday morning- cause I’m still gonna be loud.
me: I just left and I already miss you
wife *typing response*
me: (can you read that to the dog for me)
Me: Can you hear me?
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
GENIE: i want infinity more bananas
GENIE: do u see how annoying that is
Atheists are Popeless romantics.