Goldilocks gets out of prison and becomes a tech billionaire by creating an app called bearbnb

You Might Also Like


*cocks gun*

Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”


Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.


My husband waited until this morning to tell me our hotel room tonight is adjoining his parents.

He knew all week.

I can’t wait to see the look on their faces Sunday morning- cause I’m still gonna be loud.


me: I just left and I already miss you
wife *typing response*
me: (can you read that to the dog for me)


Me: Can you hear me?

4: No.

Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.

4: But I can’t hear you.

Me: You can, you’re answering me.

4: (crying) No, I can’t!

Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.


I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.


Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.

Me: No.


Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.


GENIE: i want infinity more bananas


GENIE: do u see how annoying that is