@JesKeepSwimming

Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.

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@Home_Halfway

WINNIE THE POOH: There’s a rumbly in my tumbly
ME: Use regular words you half naked glutton

@cwhudson

[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS

@Rollinintheseat

Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”

Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”

@UnFitz

[a duel]

Him: Choose your weapons.

Me: Um…banjos.

Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.

@SarahB_D

If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.

@o__0Dev

Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!