Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.

You Might Also Like


Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is


“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.


These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before


DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.


Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35


Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.


Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”


Canadian whiskey is just whiskey that apologizes for your hangover in the morning


I walk away from auto-flush toilets like movie stars walk away from explosions