@JesKeepSwimming

Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.

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@manda_tee1

A bear went into a bar.

“I’d like a whiskey…….

and coke.”

Bartender asks “why the long pause?”

Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.

@jackmackenroth

If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.

@ArfMeasures

KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here

ME: Oh no!

WIFE: Talk to him

ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE

@chrisanna4real

I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.

Well he called it a receipt…whatever.

@drinksmcgee

This year’s theme for my kid’s birthay party was “I punched a clown and everyone learned a valuable lesson about phobias and alcoholism”

@GaryJanetti

Rio declares state of emergency just before Olympics. That’s like inviting people to your house for dinner but you have no food. Or house.

@RuffaloShuffle

Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”

@KalvinMacleod

ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing

@jergarl

1980: busy signal (I’m busy af)

1990: call waiting (hold on I’m busy af)

2017: voicemail (I declined your call to watch cat videos)

@OddMarc

If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?