Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.

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If the people in your car don’t match the stick figures on your rear window, I’ll report your vehicle stolen.


Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.


Whenever I’m waiting for an elevator & the door finally slides open I pretend I’m on a Game Show & just won a group of people


Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.


Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”


A new study finds that chicken isn’t as healthy for you as once thought. “Just don’t ask to see our data” clucked one feathered researcher.


I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…


[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you


[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]

Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.


I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.