@JesKeepSwimming

Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.

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@anerdonfire2

Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is

@sixfootcandy

“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.

@LuvPug

These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before

@KalvinMacleod

DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.

@obijawn

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35

@UnFitz

Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.

@Lisabug74

Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”

@BaldyLockzz

Canadian whiskey is just whiskey that apologizes for your hangover in the morning

@burntmybagel

I walk away from auto-flush toilets like movie stars walk away from explosions