Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
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me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
GOD: Done! Every animal niche perfectly filled
WOODPECKERS: We didn’t get anything
GOD: Oh. Uh…just pound trees with your face
If you ever say ‘I seen’ in a sentence. I will never sleep with you.
Under any circumstances.
*including zombie apocalypse