@JesKeepSwimming

Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.

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@AlanFelyk

Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*

@TheHatStore

me: I forgot my line

movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip

@JohnLyonTweets

Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.

@MrFornicator

People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.

@Marlebean

Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.

@Cycloptomese

My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.

@BGH70

The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.

I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”

@Rohit_And_Run

I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.

@NicestHippo

GOD: Done! Every animal niche perfectly filled

WOODPECKERS: We didn’t get anything

GOD: Oh. Uh…just pound trees with your face

@Snarfernini

If you ever say ‘I seen’ in a sentence. I will never sleep with you.
Under any circumstances.
Ever.*

*including zombie apocalypse