A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
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If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
This year’s theme for my kid’s birthay party was “I punched a clown and everyone learned a valuable lesson about phobias and alcoholism”
Rio declares state of emergency just before Olympics. That’s like inviting people to your house for dinner but you have no food. Or house.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
[later at zoo]
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
1980: busy signal (I’m busy af)
1990: call waiting (hold on I’m busy af)
2017: voicemail (I declined your call to watch cat videos)
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?