Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
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Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
*3.5 thank you very much.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.