Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best

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I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”


I love hoodies because maybe I work out, maybe I ate 4 whole large pizzas last week. You don’t know.


Stop being so hard on yourself. You don’t have to be a complete idiot. Just be the best idiot you can be.


The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.


My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.


*draws a line in the sand*

*looks at the line in the sand*

*decides that it might be time to vacuum*


teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew

me: did I tell you I started a new diet today

teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine


Wife: Your problem is your incompetence

Me: I can hold my pee just fine


My bf asked me to act like a “naughty school girl” for him so I forged a note from my mom saying I don’t have to participate.


if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you