Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
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It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us