@notacroc

Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best

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@not_thenanny

I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”

@nappydolemite

I love hoodies because maybe I work out, maybe I ate 4 whole large pizzas last week. You don’t know.

@wickedsuga

Stop being so hard on yourself. You don’t have to be a complete idiot. Just be the best idiot you can be.

@anerdonfire2

The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.

@AlanTheWriter

My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.

@UncleDuke1969

*draws a line in the sand*

*looks at the line in the sand*

*decides that it might be time to vacuum*

@junejuly12

teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew

me: did I tell you I started a new diet today

teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine

@YSylon

Wife: Your problem is your incompetence

Me: I can hold my pee just fine

@JRevard

My bf asked me to act like a “naughty school girl” for him so I forged a note from my mom saying I don’t have to participate.

@eye_spyder

if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you