Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
You Might Also Like
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
I remember when things only cost an arm.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.