[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
You Might Also Like
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
PARKOUR
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.