If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
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My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
How animals would run if they were human
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’