gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
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I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.