Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
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*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉