Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
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I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.