Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.

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*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*


I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.

… And while you’re down there…


“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops


The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.


[first day as a billionaire]

Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero


[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]

Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.


My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.

At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.


There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.


No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.