gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
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None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath