People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
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Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Coffee is ready.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..