[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
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you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Favourite diary entry ever
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress