Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
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no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
e
e
a
n
s
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours