gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
You Might Also Like
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.