Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ riding into battle ]

YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY

* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *

*first day of umpire school*

Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?

Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine

Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without

Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold

My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?

Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios

*one of those scenarios turns out to be true

Me: I KNEW IT!

Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster

Me: I’m sick. Do we have any ginger ale?
Wife: No, just ginger beer.
Me: Does it work the same?
Wife: I don’t know.

[9 Moscow Mules later]

Me [on front lawn, naked except for a cowboy hat]: IT WERKS BETTAH

When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.

Neither of us has slept in 16 years.

[at the hotel california]

me: i’d like to check out

desk clerk: alright, you’re all set

me: great, bye

desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave

me: then why did you let me check out

desk clerk: *shrugs*

*gives date flowers*

Here. I murdered these plants for you.

I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents

DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?

My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references

Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan

If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??

My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history

$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”

Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*

*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.

The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!

Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!

My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch

Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow

He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me

No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.

Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.

Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?

ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.

Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.

Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!

I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.