Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
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Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this