Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
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My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Finally, an instrument I can play!
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Wait a minute
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.