Gonna see my therapist tomorrow, want anything?

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Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs


Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”


WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral

FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate


the biggest power move i’ve ever pulled was, when a famous professor asked me what use my research served, looking him dead in the eye and saying “i have never been useful to anyone and i don’t intend to start now” like i’m never gonna top that and i should stop trying


Me: it’s been a while since I did anything embarrassingly clumsy

Universe: give it time


Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.


If you think your life is bad, just think, at least you weren’t one of those hotel guests that showered, brushed their teeth and drank the water from the water tank that had a dead body in it.


I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.


[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*

Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned


Countries whose names are lies:

• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom