Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit

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[At the job interview]

“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”

“Would that be for the whole time?”


I wonder if anyone besides me has the bumper sticker, “Proud parent of your wife’s kid.”


Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.


Blood is thicker than water. Then again, so is oatmeal, and I would much rather be oatmeal brothers.


if ur in a horror movie scenario, a fun way to throw off the ghosts is to put a bed sheet over ur head and say “i too am a spooky ghost”


My four levels of drunk:

1. Bouncy
2. Slide-y
3. Slurry
4. Turtle stuck on its back


[2 Years into Cosmetology School]

Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?


The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.

Bartender: I see bread people.