[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
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I wonder if anyone besides me has the bumper sticker, “Proud parent of your wife’s kid.”
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Blood is thicker than water. Then again, so is oatmeal, and I would much rather be oatmeal brothers.
When I say I’m as sober as a judge I mean Paula Abdul.
if ur in a horror movie scenario, a fun way to throw off the ghosts is to put a bed sheet over ur head and say “i too am a spooky ghost”
My four levels of drunk:
4. Turtle stuck on its back
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.