Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
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Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.