Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
You Might Also Like
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Not many talk about it anymore, ever since they dropped the sport as “not Olympic enough,” “undignified and stupid,” and “Who the hell let him in here again?” but I was proud to represent the US at the ’56 Winter Games in Men’s Pillow-Fighting.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Möther may I have a snäck
*Inspirational Tweets*
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter