Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
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Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Yup.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.