gonna take up jogging again, not to be healthier but to increase my chances of being murdered in the woods

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It’s funny how red, white and blue represents freedom until its flashing behind you to pull over


As a 37 year old man, I feel like I should know how to spell Febuary.


You and I share a very special connection.

*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.


I accidentally prayed on people’s weaknesses instead of preying on them, and now they just think I’m kind.


Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.


While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️


My cow Rosie won 3 blue ribbons at last year’s 4H show so I have pretty high hopes for her at this year’s chili cook off.


*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*

Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.


In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.