@nachdermas

gonna take up jogging again, not to be healthier but to increase my chances of being murdered in the woods

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@kiebi

It’s funny how red, white and blue represents freedom until its flashing behind you to pull over

@JeremyKCMO

As a 37 year old man, I feel like I should know how to spell Febuary.

@BlackCatBettie

You and I share a very special connection.

*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.

@LittleMissAngr1

I accidentally prayed on people’s weaknesses instead of preying on them, and now they just think I’m kind.

@GreenishDuck

Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.

@LiquidFaerie

While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️

@BrandonBrown522

My cow Rosie won 3 blue ribbons at last year’s 4H show so I have pretty high hopes for her at this year’s chili cook off.

@AmericanGent69

*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*

Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.

@elle91

In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.