Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
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7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer