Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
You Might Also Like
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Important
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it