gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.

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Text from mom: How’s my baby girl?

Me: I’m moving back in.

Mom: Your room is ready.

Me: No, your uterus!

Mom: Steph you drink too much


[in the woods]

Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*

Deer: I have a boyfriend


hello 911
“whats your emergency”
there’s someone in my home
“are you safe?”
it’s a girl
“do you like her”
*starts twirling hair*
I dont know


I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.


pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end


Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind


Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.


today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit


Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*

Wife: So…what do you think?

Me: I asked for an iPhone