@tigersgoroooar

gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.

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@77StephanieG77

Text from mom: How’s my baby girl?

Me: I’m moving back in.

Mom: Your room is ready.

Me: No, your uterus!

Mom: Steph you drink too much

@mrtruthandsoul

[in the woods]

Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*

Deer: I have a boyfriend

@DillDoes

hello 911
“whats your emergency”
there’s someone in my home
“are you safe?”
it’s a girl
“do you like her”
*starts twirling hair*
I dont know

@Elizasoul80

I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.

@TweetPotato314

pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end

@Hurly_Burly

Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind

Rainbows

Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.

@mom_tho

today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit

@squirrel74wkgn

Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*

Wife: So…what do you think?

Me: I asked for an iPhone