Text from mom: How’s my baby girl?
Me: I’m moving back in.
Mom: Your room is ready.
Me: No, your uterus!
Mom: Steph you drink too much
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
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I keep the streets safe at night by staying home.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
“whats your emergency”
there’s someone in my home
“are you safe?”
it’s a girl
“do you like her”
*starts twirling hair*
I dont know
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone