gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
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I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”