gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
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[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
lmfao
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
I hope it’s French Onion!
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.