Good advice.
You Might Also Like
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
It be like that sometimes 😆
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
me adding lol on a serious message