good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
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Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Good Morning.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
I wish all tests were things you peed on