GOOD COP: cover me!

DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug

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Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.


[flashback to 1st date]

*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn

Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”


I only watch Storage Wars to see if they find my ex’s body.

Just kidding. I like the show.

And she’s buried in the woods.



thats “crime” but in alphabetical order

organized crime


My Wife does this cute thing where she says that “actions speak louder than words” and then gets pissed at me for just nodding.


I saw 300 lbs crammed into a pair of small yoga pants so now I understand how the Tardis on Dr. Who is real.


If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.

Thanks for reading.


today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore


Ancient Chinese proverb:

man who go to bed with itchy bottom, wake up with smelly finger.


Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.