@i_eat_fruit

GOOD COP: cover me!

DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug

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@LuvPug

Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.

@squirrel74wkgn

[flashback to 1st date]

*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn

Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”

@chagger73

I only watch Storage Wars to see if they find my ex’s body.

Just kidding. I like the show.

And she’s buried in the woods.

@fakegoldegg

ceimr

thats “crime” but in alphabetical order

organized crime

@Los01001111

My Wife does this cute thing where she says that “actions speak louder than words” and then gets pissed at me for just nodding.

@Douchekevin

I saw 300 lbs crammed into a pair of small yoga pants so now I understand how the Tardis on Dr. Who is real.

@AnnietheNanny1

If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.

Thanks for reading.

@lisaxy424

today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore

@nuttywhippet

Ancient Chinese proverb:

man who go to bed with itchy bottom, wake up with smelly finger.

@SteveDutzy

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.