GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
O Wise One….
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.