@pattymo

GOOD COP: Crazy girlfriend? I know how THAT is
BAD COP: He’s trying to get on your side so you confess
GOOD COP: Jesus Christ, Frank

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@TheTimmyToes

“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday

@ItsAndyRyan

Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of ?
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell

@Playing_Dad

Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online

@robdelaney

Girl, are your legs tired? Cuz you were running through my dreams all night and you did some amazing parkour & also kicked a judge to death.

@BuckyIsotope

That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*

@ericsshadow

ME: I play for the Philadelphia Eagles.

HER: What position do u play?

ME: I’m a *thinks back to the only game I watched* wide-retriever.

@HousewifeOfHell

I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.

@954LeenO

Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.

@Cognitive_Diss

The 70s had it right.

Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.

@andrewgutin

Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.