“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
GOOD COP: Crazy girlfriend? I know how THAT is
BAD COP: He’s trying to get on your side so you confess
GOOD COP: Jesus Christ, Frank
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Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of ?
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Girl, are your legs tired? Cuz you were running through my dreams all night and you did some amazing parkour & also kicked a judge to death.
That was your first time water skiing?
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
What’s your name anyway
ME: I play for the Philadelphia Eagles.
HER: What position do u play?
ME: I’m a *thinks back to the only game I watched* wide-retriever.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.