GOOD COP: Crazy girlfriend? I know how THAT is
BAD COP: He’s trying to get on your side so you confess
GOOD COP: Jesus Christ, Frank

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“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday


Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of ?
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell


Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online


Girl, are your legs tired? Cuz you were running through my dreams all night and you did some amazing parkour & also kicked a judge to death.


That was your first time water skiing?
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*


ME: I play for the Philadelphia Eagles.

HER: What position do u play?

ME: I’m a *thinks back to the only game I watched* wide-retriever.


I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.


Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.


The 70s had it right.

Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.


Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.