GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
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incredible book dedication
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*