GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
You Might Also Like
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
this is me
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat