@theguywitheyes

GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste

BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice

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@WilliamRodgers

“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”

*Go to a bar you Hate

*Put $50 in the Jukebox

*Play nothing but Nickelback

*Leave

@LeBearGirdle

Friend: just be yourself.

Me: Be myself? Be myself?!

Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice

@ThaJawn

To whoever hacked all the Yahoo accounts, please email me my Myspace login info. It’s in there somewhere…

@Shen_the_Bird

[arriving in hell]

me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever

satan: where did you even find denim underwear

@iMikosnyc

I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.

@meghaffer

Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex

@troublewinks

Officer: You drinking?
Me: You buying?

Oh how we laughed and laughed….

PS: I need bail money.

@colleen_eileen

I work remotely and every day when I walk out of my office my dad says β€œwow you made great time getting home!” I never want him to stop

@DiamondLou69

Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…

…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.

@Kim_pulsive

I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to