@theguywitheyes

GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste

BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice

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@Donna_McCoy

I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.

@Parentpains

According to the police report, waking up in your lover’s arms is only romantic when they know how you got in their house.

@EBenita0517

I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.

Sometimes it’s in my bra.

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?

Me: What?

5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.

@Kauaibride

so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.

@david8hughes

“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”

@Jarhead44

Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.

@TheHyyyype

WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today

ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school

@randypaint

publisher: “harry & ron” i love that lol boring names in a magical world

jk rowling: hermione

publisher: ok

jk rowling: albus dumbledore

publisher: ok i get it i was wrong

jk rowling: cornelius fudge lmao

publisher: what