“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
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Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
To whoever hacked all the Yahoo accounts, please email me my Myspace login info. It’s in there somewhere…
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Officer: You drinking?
Me: You buying?
Oh how we laughed and laughed….
PS: I need bail money.
I work remotely and every day when I walk out of my office my dad says “wow you made great time getting home!” I never want him to stop
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to