GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste

BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice

You Might Also Like


I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.


According to the police report, waking up in your lover’s arms is only romantic when they know how you got in their house.


I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.

Sometimes it’s in my bra.


5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?

Me: What?

5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.


so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.


“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”


Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.


WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today

ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school


publisher: “harry & ron” i love that lol boring names in a magical world

jk rowling: hermione

publisher: ok

jk rowling: albus dumbledore

publisher: ok i get it i was wrong

jk rowling: cornelius fudge lmao

publisher: what