GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
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Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
this will hang in the louvre one day
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!