I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
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According to the police report, waking up in your lover’s arms is only romantic when they know how you got in their house.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
publisher: “harry & ron” i love that lol boring names in a magical world
jk rowling: hermione
jk rowling: albus dumbledore
publisher: ok i get it i was wrong
jk rowling: cornelius fudge lmao