Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
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Are you okay?
Did you take your cold medicine?
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
The problem with speaking the truth is..
..you assume others do too
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Anyone who doesn’t believe sentient A.I. will be the death of humanity has never been asked by Waze to make an unprotected left turn.
Mini M&M’s – for when you just can’t finish an entire M&M
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.