Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.

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Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage

Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd

Doctor: Oh no

Wife: Oh shit he’s the same


Are you okay?
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions


The problem with speaking the truth is..

..you assume others do too


(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off


Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye

Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped


Anyone who doesn’t believe sentient A.I. will be the death of humanity has never been asked by Waze to make an unprotected left turn.


Mini M&M’s – for when you just can’t finish an entire M&M


When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.

I repeat, don’t do it.


Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.

Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.