Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
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You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Anyone really
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike: