@david8hughes

Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.

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@ArfMeasures

Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage

Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd

Doctor: Oh no

Wife: Oh shit he’s the same

@aveuaskew

Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions

@Monicake0128

The problem with speaking the truth is..

..you assume others do too

@ceejoyner

(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off

@JediGigi

Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye

Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped

@runolgarun

Anyone who doesn’t believe sentient A.I. will be the death of humanity has never been asked by Waze to make an unprotected left turn.

@KKBowls

Mini M&M’s – for when you just can’t finish an entire M&M

@junejuly12

When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.

I repeat, don’t do it.

@AsgardianRose

Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.

Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.