Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
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This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
podcasts
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.