Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
You Might Also Like
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*