Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
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5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
How do you milk an almond?
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.