GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
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Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor