Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
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yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it