My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
You Might Also Like
Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Wife: [on phone] what are you up to?
Me: We Bought a Zoo with Matt Damon.
Wife: aw I love that movie!
Me: what movie?
Matt Damon: did you tell her yet? [elephant noise in the background] what did she say?
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.