Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*

Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*

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My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.


Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.


Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.


Wait …

“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….

and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?


MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]


I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.


Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.


Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.

Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.

*implements margarita Tuesdays*


Wife: [on phone] what are you up to?

Me: We Bought a Zoo with Matt Damon.

Wife: aw I love that movie!

Me: what movie?

Matt Damon: did you tell her yet? [elephant noise in the background] what did she say?


I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.