Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
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*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner