@dafloydsta

GOOD COP: Tell us what you know

BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat

DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT

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@andrybd

My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.

@WilliamAder

Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.

@Michael1979

If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:

@ozzyunc

“I want to get drunk in public.”
“Me too but on pancake batter.”
“If only there was a way to solve both problems.”
-The Origin of Eggnog

@amelialikesyou

In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint

@YSylon

Am I the only one who whispers “Get a job” into the baby monitor?

@murrman5

[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident

@nottheworstmom

My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.

Children are a blessing.