I would walk 500 miles just to be the man who gets to eat these donuts.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
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If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Turns out all the electrical wires in this house are Twizzlers so we’re looking at another $3000 added to the budget
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.