GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
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Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
This is always good for a laugh.