GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
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1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.