[at funeral] You really had to see him live
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If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
When you’ve simply given up.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.