@Chocovania

GOOD COP: The sign on your door says NOTARY

NOTARY: Yes?

NOT A GOOD COP: *menacingly leans onto desk* Sounds like something a RY would say

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@ArtIsMyPorn

When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.

@ShoutingGoddess

Marriage is like a tattoo. You say it’s for ever but we all know there are ways & means of ditching it. It’ll just be painful and expensive.

@OneFunnyMummy

Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.

@HomeWithPeanut

Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.

So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.

@ThatAdamKid

Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”

@daemonic3

[home depot]

ME: do you have marble counters?

CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9

ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000

@ThisOneSayz

“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”

~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership

@moist_jeff

*Young Jesus plays with food*
Mary: you’re not playing until you finish your bread and fish!
*ugh*
*touches food*
*it multiplies*
NOOOOOO!!!

@mytoecold

I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)

@carlyken

*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want