*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
You Might Also Like
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit